what's the definition of insanity again?

I am that scatterbrained mom who tries SO HARD to be organized, and yet I still fail. Not all the time...I would say I do a fair job of keeping things under control, but it's a huge amount of effort for me. I write lists of routines that I constantly have to revamp because they're overambitious. So I write a new one and basically just change the order of things, but I have difficulty paring back, so the routines REMAIN overambitious...just in a different order. I maintain multiple calendars and try to keep them with me at all times. I make grand plans that hardly ever come to fruition because I try to do too many things at once. I have REALLY GREAT ideas (no, trust me, they're FABULOUS) all the time, but hardly ever manage to act on them because I never manage to make the time, or plan the steps I need to take; if they go anywhere at all, it's on scraps of paper with a basic outline, and then I lose those scraps in the mountains of paper that live in my house.

Today I failed on a small scale. I took my son to Playskool. The problem with that is IT'S GOOD FRIDAY. There IS no Playskool today. So I got there and the parking lot is empty; at that moment the lightbulb went on. Normally I'd just feel a little silly, except that my son loves Playskool, so instead I felt terrible because he was incredibly disappointed. It's also his turn next for Show And Tell, so naturally he was extra excited. "Can't we just make them have Playskool Mommy? PLEASE?"

The glorious thing about Playskool is that it's right across the street from a big park, so even though it's 40 degrees and cloudy and incredibly windy, I took them to the park for half an hour to make up for it. And the glorious thing about kids is they easily forgive and forget.

But me? I'm left feeling like I dropped the ball again. Of the many balls I juggle, this is a small one, true; nevertheless, I live with a constant underlying sense of frustration at the lack of order in my life. I don't know how to get to 'organized'. I think there's a roadblock on that path for me. I haven't figured out how to bust through it yet. I watch shows like Clean House and wish they would come over, or I wish I could take a week's vacation from my job and my kids and my dogs (maybe just during working hours, not necessarily overnights) and get everything in my house decluttered and in order. Maybe if I could achieve it in my house, I could achieve it in my brain and then in my actions.

But that's how I feel about weight loss too...if I could just get to my goal weight, everything would be magically fixed, right?

The picture of me and my life I hold in my head is often drastically different from my reality. I KNOW this and yet I still try to make everything fit the picture far too often.