Today was a hard day, for a number of reasons. Health troubles, business troubles, life troubles, anxiety... overall just a downer. I'm medicating with music. A friend suggested wine, but wine (in addition to wreaking havoc on my already unstable blood sugar) has been bringing me migraines lately, and I just got rid of a near-24-hour one, so I don't feel like tempting that fate again.
Sometimes when I'm down I'll listen to energizing music to cheer me up... and then sometimes, it's really comforting to listen to beautiful, melancholy songs. That may seem odd, that indulging in sadness would be healing, and yet it is. It hearkens back to one of my favorite articles, "Why Lying Broken In A Pile On Your Floor Is A Good Idea".
"All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."
So I'm indulging in my sadness tonight; in the parts of me that are broken right now, because it's time to become something new. It's scary and it's hard but if I don't do it the crocodiles are going to eat me, so I'm rending myself into little pieces, to be unlimited.
This song is beautiful; it just breaks my heart every time I hear it. The melancholy and, at the same time, the wisdom it portrays fill me with both sadness and hope. I have a dear friend who died young some ten years ago and of course I think of her every time I hear it. But then I think of everyone I've lost, and everyone dear to me who has lost loved ones; for it seems as if 'young' is really relative, and it always seems like our loved ones are snatched away too soon. Gone and yet I believe they are still with us, in one way or another.
'Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother'
'the sharp knife of a short life'
'I've had just enough time'
'I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger'
'what I never did is done'
'funny when you're dead, how people start listening'
Pink Floyd has some amazing songs, especially when it comes to melancholy. This is one of my favorites; it captures the melancholy perfectly but also ends with hope, with a heartfelt beseechingness to act, to keep going, to feel.
'No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside'
I'm not necessarily searching for a spiritual answer right now, but I frequently feel lost and alone these days. I feel myself reaching out for someone, anyone, to show me the way; to give me the strength and the courage to believe that I'll get there someday. One step at a time. One meal at a time; one workout at a time; one blood test at a time. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Yes I *am* a huge nerd, why do you ask? I like Enya and I LOVE Lord Of The Rings. The movies are pretty much perfect. And if you're looking for a melancholy story of epic struggle, you certainly don't need to look any further. As a matter of fact I'm tempted to go and watch them right now but that'll be like 16 hours and I'll NEVER sleep.
'believe and you will find your way'
I'm going to end with one of the most heart-rending songs out there... and I'm choosing to listen to Susan Boyle's audition version because while the song is beautifully depressing, this version at least ends with a lovely lady seeing her dream fulfilled. Godspeed Susan, and Godspeed to me as well. May all our dreams have significantly better outcomes than poor Fantine's.