Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Update on Dad

Dad, Oksana, Drake, and OJ at Raven's Grin Inn - September 2010. Mom, Matt, and Amy in the background.

Dad's back in the hospital. He went back in yesterday. He was running a fever - 101.9 at home - so Mom took him to the ER around 1pm yesterday. They did some tests on him and decided to admit him. He has a urinary tract infection and it's causing him some pain in his nether regions (is it in bad taste to discuss your dad's balls on the internet? I guess the answer would be 'only if you think he would care', which mine pretty much wouldn't). I guess there's a possibility of some tubes in there or sometimes even the testicle itself twisting after surgery... not even sure what they need to do to fix that, go in again? ... but from the ultrasound it LOOKS like it's just inflammation from the UTI so here's hoping. They're keeping him again tonight but he can probably go home tomorrow. I'm not too worried as it sounds like it's a fairly common issue after this surgery and they seem to have it under control. Still, feel free to send healing thoughts and prayers Dad's way. I'm hoping now that they've moved him to a regular wing that the kids and I can visit him tomorrow (the rule where he was before is 'no kids under 14'). I'll find out tomorrow!

Dad's stomach last night in the ER. The white things are steri-strips over the incisions. The red areas are the spots where they pulled the tape off after surgery. Mom is convinced those are infected but the rest of us keep telling her they're just irritated and it looks bad but it will heal. The hospital staff don't seem concerned about them so hopefully we're right!

Monday, July 16, 2012

This Post Won't Be Pretty

Today my father is having his prostate removed. He is, at this moment, in surgery. He has been in surgery for almost six hours now, at a hospital fifteen minutes from me. I am sitting at home.

I am sitting at home because I woke up at 3AM with horrible stomach pain. I have some reflux problems (and a hiatal hernia; just one of those wonderful many health issues I deal with) and went to sleep last night with those horrible sulfur belches. If you've not ever had the joy, it's... not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. It's like the rottenest of rotten eggs bellowing out of your gut, forcing you to both taste and smell the awfulness. For HOURS. Thankfully it doesn't happen often. So when I woke up at 3AM to a swollen, immensely painful stomach, I assumed it was gas pain. I'd been trying to choke those burps down after all; hoping the gas would make its way towards the other end instead. Presumably it had built up over night.

I sat up. I massaged my stomach. It was hard, distended and painful. Most of the gas felt trapped around my stomach, meaning I'd probably have to burp it out to relieve the pain... farting was of course preferable so I could avoid the awful taste, but at that point I was so uncomfortable I'd take what I could get. I maneuvered myself around on the bed for a few minutes, trying to work my way into the yoga pose that might best move the gas up and out,

I use 'fart pose' and I am not ashamed!
It wasn't working. I rolled onto my stomach and stuck my butt up in the air, hoping to encourage the gas to move up and out. And then... it happened.

No, I didn't fart. I wouldn't waste an entire blog post on a mere fart. I felt the gas rolling up my throat and prepared myself to belch the pressure away. Except when the gas reached my mouth, I suddenly found myself with a mouth full of last night's dinner. I mean FULL. I freaked and started trying to scramble out of the bed when I felt more coming up my throat. I did the only thing I could, which was lean over the end of the bed and heave my guts out. I blew chunks all over the carpet. Load after load. In between heaves I was frantically clawing at my husband's foot. Normally this much disturbance would have awakened him but it was my luck that he was passed out cold. Puke. Claw. Puke. I managed to voice a desperate plea. "Help!" Claw foot. Puke. "OJ! Help!" Puke. "Me!" He finally woke up and moved his ass out of the way so I could dash to the bathroom and blow MORE chunks in the toilet.

Chunks is my dog.
I've been miserable ever since. I can't shake the stomach pain. I can't keep anything down. I haven't even TRIED anything but some mint tea with a little honey and baking soda. Things are coming out of both ends now. You never really realize how much liquid and waste there is rolling around in your body until you start spewing it all over for hours.

It's a horrible feeling. I have no nausea, and no warning about when the puke is coming. I'm walking around carrying a bucket. It's like my stomach is slowly filling up, like a hose is leaking somewhere inside me. (Yes, it's as painful as it sounds.) Like one of those giant buckets at water parks that fills up and tips over every ten minutes or so. The discomfort grows and my stomach becomes more and more distended until suddenly, BLEH!

Like this, only with puke.
Needless to say, this is why I'm sitting at home instead of at the hospital with my mom and brother, waiting to hear news about my dad. Physically, being sick like this is bad enough. Emotionally in this situation, it's even worse. I wanted to be there with my family. I wanted to see my dad as soon as we were able. Logically I know that bringing in a bug and potentially infecting my dad after surgery or my mom and brother, who live with him and will be taking care of him, is a terrible idea, and I'm doing the smart and correct thing by staying home. Emotionally, I just wanted to be there.

Please say a prayer, think good thoughts, send healing vibes, whatever your preference, to my dad. They told us the surgery was at least four hours long. Sitting here at six hours and counting, I'm more than a little anxious.

Edited to add: Dad is out of surgery, awake (albeit very groggy and drugged), and the surgery went well. They ran into a few snags with some hernia scars but they got the entire prostate and preliminary reports seem to indicate the cancer hadn't spread. He'll be in the hospital until Wednesday.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Gather Up Your Tears; Keep 'Em In Your Pocket. Save Them For A Time When You're Really Going To Need Them.

Today was a hard day, for a number of reasons. Health troubles, business troubles, life troubles, anxiety... overall just a downer. I'm medicating with music. A friend suggested wine, but wine (in addition to wreaking havoc on my already unstable blood sugar) has been bringing me migraines lately, and I just got rid of a near-24-hour one, so I don't feel like tempting that fate again.


Sometimes when I'm down I'll listen to energizing music to cheer me up... and then sometimes, it's really comforting to listen to beautiful, melancholy songs. That may seem odd, that indulging in sadness would be healing, and yet it is. It hearkens back to one of my favorite articles, "Why Lying Broken In A Pile On Your Floor Is A Good Idea".


"All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."


So I'm indulging in my sadness tonight; in the parts of me that are broken right now, because it's time to become something new. It's scary and it's hard but if I don't do it the crocodiles are going to eat me, so I'm rending myself into little pieces, to be unlimited.





This song is beautiful; it just breaks my heart every time I hear it. The melancholy and, at the same time, the wisdom it portrays fill me with both sadness and hope. I have a dear friend who died young some ten years ago and of course I think of her every time I hear it. But then I think of everyone I've lost, and everyone dear to me who has lost loved ones; for it seems as if 'young' is really relative, and it always seems like our loved ones are snatched away too soon. Gone and yet I believe they are still with us, in one way or another.
'Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother'
'the sharp knife of a short life'
'I've had just enough time'
'I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger'
'what I never did is done'
'funny when you're dead, how people start listening'

 

 Pink Floyd has some amazing songs, especially when it comes to melancholy. This is one of my favorites; it captures the melancholy perfectly but also ends with hope, with a heartfelt beseechingness to act, to keep going, to feel.
'No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside'

 

 I'm not necessarily searching for a spiritual answer right now, but I frequently feel lost and alone these days. I feel myself reaching out for someone, anyone, to show me the way; to give me the strength and the courage to believe that I'll get there someday. One step at a time. One meal at a time; one workout at a time; one blood test at a time. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

 

Yes I *am* a huge nerd, why do you ask? I like Enya and I LOVE Lord Of The Rings. The movies are pretty much perfect. And if you're looking for a melancholy story of epic struggle, you certainly don't need to look any further. As a matter of fact I'm tempted to go and watch them right now but that'll be like 16 hours and I'll NEVER sleep.
'believe and you will find your way'

 

I'm going to end with one of the most heart-rending songs out there... and I'm choosing to listen to Susan Boyle's audition version because while the song is beautifully depressing, this version at least ends with a lovely lady seeing her dream fulfilled. Godspeed Susan, and Godspeed to me as well. May all our dreams have significantly better outcomes than poor Fantine's.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Re-Inventing Myself

I go for long periods of time not blogging these days. I'm struggling with my anxiety monsters a lot, and my diabetes is raging out of control. There are a lot of changes on the horizon for me and that's never easy. And as always, I struggle with a lot of the same issues every day. Major clutter. Weight issues. Trouble with food. Trouble with managing my life in general.


Sometimes I get so down in the dumps about it all that the only thing I think I can do is re-invent myself. I'll start a new blog somewhere, writing about my life! I'll get it all together THIS TIME, and I'll keep it anonymous until I have it all together, then I'll re-emerge like a glorious phoenix out of the ashes of my current miserable, decrepit existence!

This time the 'new' blog was going to be called "Small House, Big Life" and was going to be all about my BIG struggles and BIG dreams locked away in a tiny space, fighting to get free. That doesn't sound familiar at all, does it?? And I might have even started it too if someone hadn't already claimed the name on blogger.

As I was sitting there staring at my Google search results and thinking of similar alternate names for the 'new me', I realized that my OLD blog is still me too. That just because a bunch of people know about this blog, doesn't make me any less able to make the changes I want. It doesn't mean I will, and it doesn't mean I won't. That's up to me. It's NOT up to whether I blog about it or not. And if I blog about it and people read it and it takes a long time to happen, it doesn't make me a failure. As long as I persevere I will get there eventually.

Sometimes I just get so ashamed of everyone watching me go in circles again and again.

But like the old adage says, 'wherever you go, there you are'. Hiding in a different corner of the internet won't make me change any faster.

And as long as I keep trying and keep fighting, I shouldn't be ashamed.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Moving On

Christmas vacation is over! The kids are back in school today. I enjoyed having them home with me the last two weeks and I am kind of sad. Everyone's adjusting back to going to bed early and waking up early. Somewhat reluctantly, on all our parts, I might add.

Things are coming along in all the other areas of life. Financial Peace University starts tomorrow. I picked up our kit yesterday and I'm really looking forward to it. We have something of a working budget hammered out for now. We're so far behind on the house that for now we've decided we're not paying the mortgage. We are in communications with the mortgage company and have tried several angles to get assistance, to no avail. Right now what we will probably do is wait until they start foreclosure proceedings and then see if we can turn it into a short sale. That will, hopefully, buy us the time we'll need to get everything together to move somewhere else.

"Somewhere else" is looking like it'll probably be North Carolina. I'm open to it and OJ is really interested. We love Boone but employment opportunities are slim... so it'll probably be either Raleigh or Charlotte. He has friends in both cities, and I have a cousin in Raleigh.

On our radar is also Austin, Texas. We have friends there, and OJ's brother lives there. Neither of us have ever been though, and OJ is really not keen on how hot it gets (whereas I LOVE it!).

(And of course, lest we forget, we're probably going to spend about a year in Park City, Utah after I win my beloved HGTV Dream Home.)

It is our hope to visit all of the places on our list sometime this year so we can truly decide on our favorite and start looking for work. And of course, despite which one ends up being the 'favorite', it'll really depend on jobs. OJ's going to try to get a job and stay with friends while he finds us a place to live, I think. We'll just have to see how it all plays out.

I'm still working on the house. Getting lots of stuff purged. Which reminds me, I have a trunk full of stuff I need to bring to Kara, the lady that sells my stuff on ebay. She does an awesome job! She has an ebay store and does online consignment for several people, so she always has a nice variety of merchandise. If anyone is in need of stuff, and wants to help out me, or her, or any of the rest of us local moms that need money, you can find her store here: The Sweet Buy And Buy.

I've also started working on my health a bit more. I had stopped taking everything but the absolute necessary medications while I was having all my stomach trouble last year, and while that hasn't completely cleared up (the endoscopy showed nothing but some inflammation, biopsies of which gave us no information), we're chalking it up to stress/anxiety pain and acid reflux. So I'm easing my way back into my other medicines and vitamins, starting with my metformin, which is causing a little bit of stomach upset but is also bringing my blood sugar down to more acceptable levels, so yay. I'll do most of my health and weight loss blogging over at my blog, The Big Fat Breakup, if anyone wants to follow along.


one of my favorite recent pins. Are you on Pinterest yet? Follow me!

Friday, January 6, 2012

IUD-Day

Had my IUD removed yesterday. My five years were up and it was time. You all know I've been wanting another baby anyway... I'm still in the "yay babies!" boat. OJ is in the "baby in a year or two" boat. I'm putting him in charge of birth control for now.

Is this an ideal time to have a baby? HELL NO. Are there things I want to do to improve our lives before we have a baby? ABSOLUTELY. All the same, would I be thrilled if I got pregnant? You know it!
Life's funny that way. Things tend to work themselves out as they should.

We're working on our finances. Financial Peace University starts next week. We have hard decisions and even harder work ahead of us.

I'm continuing to get the house in order. Purging even more than before since it looks like we'll be moving in the next 6 months - 1.5 years. However we decide is best to approach the house issue, we're going to try to stay here as long as we can to get into the best financial position possible for moving somewhere. Right now we're leaning towards waiting until foreclosure starts and then seeing if we can get into a short sale. We need more information overall though before we really decide.

My health needs work. I need to eat better foods, have lower blood sugar, and exercise more. I should also work on some meditation / stress relief exercises to help with the anxiety. If I get pregnant I won't be able to take my anxiety medications so that's something I'll really need to work on.

Those three things remain my biggest priorities right now.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

I have a devil of a time waking up anymore. No matter when my morning comes, no matter how many hours of sleep I've gotten, it still feels like I'm drowning in sleep, swimming my way up through mud, trying to break through to the surface of wakefulness. I don't know what is causing it... I'm blaming general health issues, because it could be anything from my diabetes (high blood sugar) to my anxiety medications to my lack of activity to sinus infections to poor sleep to god knows what. It makes it REALLY hard to get moving for the first few hours of my day though, and I'm ready for it to change. I'm just a little befuddled because I don't know exactly HOW to make a change. There are a lot of health changes I need to make, that is, and it's a little overwhelming to know where to start. Especially when the house keeps screaming at me to clean it and just finish PURGING already!!

So I got a slow start today. Other than that, I spent a bunch of time working on Oksana's bedroom; it got a little messy around the holidays again, and of course, Casey started peeing on things again. I'm battling that crazy mess (AGAIN) right now. I'm also battling giant mounds of laundry, BAGS full of laundry, and a lot of that has cat pee on it too (because that's another thing she pees on if it's on the floor; dirty laundry). Which means that each load takes twice as long because I do extra rinses and vinegar washes on top of the regular washing.

A friend posted a great article on Facebook today: Why Lying Broken In A Pile On Your Bedroom Floor Is A Good Idea. It made me feel stronger, having read it. The author shares some insight gained from a Hindu goddess. Here's an excerpt:

"Akhilandeshvari:
“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.
But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.
It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.
Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.
The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.
And of course, this is terrifying.
But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?"

I highly recommend checking the whole thing out.

Other than that... I got pretty loopy / dizzy after I took my anxiety medication tonight (that happens sometimes) and ended the evening playing Skylanders with Oksana.

Speaking of anxiety. The Bloggess shared a post yesterday wherein she talking about her battles with depression and anxiety and admitted publicly for the first time that sometimes she self-harms. I'm really proud of her for talking about it and for standing up for herself and all the other people that fight their demons daily. I don't suffer from depression, and I don't self-harm, but I do suffer from GAD - generalized anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago. The symptoms had been creeping up on me for probably a couple of years before that, but I didn't recognize them. I had no real context for anxiety disorder. Sometimes it is hugely disabling, especially when other things in life are hard. It's harder to take action on many things in my life right now, for instance, when so many huge issues are crushing down on us right now. It's hard for me to explain to people why I don't just go get a job and make more money, because it's just not that simple for me. That's not all due to anxiety, but a large part of it is. I worry that people won't understand. I struggle with explaining my thoughts and feelings to people because without an understanding of how terrible anxiety can be to someone fighting it daily, I fear judgment. Scorn. Dismissal.

I fight anxiety every day. I take medications to help me deal with it. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. These things have all helped immensely... but some days, life is still a huge battle.

Through it all, I do my best to figure out what I can do to make myself and my family happy. Sometimes that means compromises, BIG compromises. Even compromises on my own principles / morals at times. Because I'd rather be happy than right all the time.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Financial Peace

I've always been a fan of Dave Ramsey, but I've never really put effort into following his ideas... or much of any ideas about finances, really. I'd dabble in fixing our finances but never really committed for more than a short while. Good intentions, bad follow-through. After reading about a friend's experience with Dave's Financial Peace University (and her recent encouragement to check out one of the local FPU classes that will be starting soon), I convinced OJ that we should take the class. It's $100, not very much to spend on one's financial future. I think taking it together, spending dedicated time for 12 weeks talking about our finances and ways to make things better, working together and finally building a solid partnered financial foundation in our marriage, is a good idea.


OJ is skeptical about the fact that it is a Christian-based program and that it is held at a church. He's become very atheist over the past year or two. I told him there was no way I was entertaining the idea of moving to the Bible Belt (North Carolina) with him if he wouldn't even take a class because it was held at a church. I'm sure we can filter out any God messages and apply them in our own spiritual / ethical / moral way. He also doesn't love the idea of paying someone (AKA making THEM rich) to give us 'financial peace', but I maintain that people's time and efforts are worth paying for if we learn something / get value from it. AND, as I said, $100 is not that much for two people to invest in a 12-week class.

I don't know which class we will be taking yet; I have sent an email to the most likely one with some questions. Hopefully we'll be able to start soon.

I wonder if there's a way to take these methods and convert them in such a way that they could be applicable to weight loss and clutter management. I could become the next guru of fixing up your life!

Friday, January 28, 2011

My Girl Likes To Party All The Time, Party All The ZZZZZzzzzzz....

I have been nothing short of exhausted lately. Bone-tired, brain completely fried kind of tired. It just seems to keep getting worse, it's interfering with my ability to get anything other than 'basic tasks of the day' done (I do manage a few extras here and there, like the monster cake pops I made for my son's class the other day, but it's with extreme effort and sheer force of will).

There ain't no second chance against the thing with 40 eyes, girl.
What's the reason? I'm not entirely sure but I really think it's lack of quality sleep, and I think there are several things that have been affecting this. (Which makes it much harder to fix!)

Problem #1: My teeth hurt, and they tend to hurt more at night for some reason.
Solution: I get my permanent crown on February 4th, and I'm hoping that will fix this issue. In the meantime, I am turning to drugs. Advil manages to work most of the time, but usually when the pain gets worse the Advil doesn't help or it wears off in the middle of the night and the pain wakes me up, thus interrupting my sleep. I took Advil PM a couple times but we're out of that now, and we do have some Codeine left still. The problem with the drowsy drugs is that it's hard for me to wake up in the mornings, which I need to do in order to take care of my family. This leads to...

Problem #2: I am not a morning person. Even in the face of sheer exhaustion, as soon as the sun sets I am wide awake, and find it hard to go to bed or fall asleep any earlier than midnight. I have school-age kids so we're up early to get off to school five days a week, and don't usually get to sleep in TOO late on weekends either.
Solution: Go to bed earlier? Yeah, not gonna happen. I've tried this off and on my whole life. My body is just programmed to be up at night. I can't seem to help it. And I ENJOY it. I just don't enjoy the 'getting up in the mornings' part. It would be easier if the world would just start conforming to my schedule. I know I'm not the only night owl out there.

Problem #3: We recently moved into the basement and have been sleeping on the futon down there. It's a fairly decent futon mattress, but it's not the most comfortable thing in the world and I don't feel that I'm sleeping very well on it at all. Not only have I been increasingly more exhausted every day since we moved down there, but I also wake up every day with a new ache somewhere in my body. Back, shoulders, and neck seem to be the most affected. I'm pretty sure that this 'bed' is not at all good for me.
Solution: We've talked about several options, ranging from getting a new mattress to getting a foam memory topper. None of them are particularly cheap, and while some aren't terribly expensive either, we still have to save up for them. I'm starting to be so tired that I kind of just don't care though and am almost willing to just charge it. Which we're trying not to do, but when you're tired and delirious you don't always make the best decisions.

Problem #4: We just got two kittens. Nighttime is playtime! Wheeeee! They run over us, they jump, the mock fight and growl, they wake us up for petting and purring and love, they roll around in the (dry) bathtub and clunk into things. It's ridiculously adorable, but it also wakes us up about 50 times a night.
Solution: Kinda just have to wait this one out, I think. Eventually they'll grow out of it, and they'll be used to the house and the dogs enough where we will be willing to leave the door open and let them roam all over the place while we sleep. Right now, we just have to put up with this one. It's like having a baby, only instead of needing to feed it or change it, it runs all over the place and makes a bunch of noise.

We are wine botttleesssss!
I think the bed is the biggest problem. Being uncomfortable all night long, every night, is awful. So I think I will focus on solving that problem this weekend and see what a difference it makes. Because I'm really having trouble functioning lately. And I can't spend the rest of my life sitting around like a zombie, watching reruns of Roseanne.

But hey, I got new glasses, and I think they're pretty spiffy. So life's not all bad.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Thrill When I Drill A Bicuspid

I had my first major dental work done last week. I grew up with fairly healthy teeth, yet somehow managed to develop a healthy fear of dentistry anyway. I never even had to have my wisdom teeth pulled because I DON'T HAVE ANY. I was born with no wisdom teeth! Since they only seem to cause problems for pretty much everyone, I can't help but feel I dodged a bullet with that little congenital defect.

So with healthy teeth and an unhealthy fear of people hurting me in my mouthal region, I pretty much avoid the dentist. As an adult, eventually the guilt of 'I should really be responsible and take better care of myself' creeps up on you, and finally in 2007 I decided, after AT LEAST ten years of having avoided them, that I really ought to visit the dentist. I had lost a tooth somewhere in that time period; I knew it was coming because I was also born missing that adult tooth (FIVE teeth congenitally missing! go me!), and my childhood dentist had warned us that the baby tooth would eventually wear out. They're just not made to last that long. So it did, in pieces, and it was gross, but it didn't hurt, and it seemed to have all fallen out, and the tooth is kind of on the side of my mouth so I figured I didn't really look like a gap-toothed crack whore or anything so why bother with an expensive repair (though I always thought it would be kind of awesome to get a gold tooth, and maybe someday I will; I'm classy like that).

Hi, my name is ChaCha; for $15 bucks I'll blow you in this port-a-potty.

But eventually I started to worry that maybe the RIGHT thing to do would be to have someone official check it out and just make sure all the pieces, you know, came out and whatnot, and maybe they should look at my other teeth too and tell me everything was OK. My husband happened to go to this great dentist in Roscoe Village (this was back when we lived in Chicago; it's Perfect Smile Dental Spa, if anyone local needs an awesome dentist! Tell them Kristi Dorson sent you! Dr. DeMars is great!). They tend to cater to dental wusses like me. They'll give you massages if you have to wait for your appointment, they're very nice, they have foot massagers in the waiting area, it's comfy and cozy and they'll give you laughing gas and goofy pills if you're very anxious about seeing the dentist, and they'll give you headphones to listen to the radio or watch movies if you prefer, and they're very thorough. Perfect for someone like me. So I went, they cleaned my teeth and fixed a tiny cavity (the first in my life) and gave me my first dose of laughing gas and it was actually kind of fun.

And then we moved an hour away and I didn't bother going back. The thought of trying to find another dentist, a local dentist, kind of terrified me, especially after dealing with such nice people who understood what it was like to fear the dentist. I just wanted them to move their offices to ME. Of course that wasn't going to happen, so I just didn't go. Then I was diagnosed with diabetes, and strongly encouraged to see my dentist (and EVERY OTHER MEDICAL SPECIALIST ON THE PLANET) twice a year because diabetes basically fucks up your entire body, and it tends to do it kind of silently at first so if you don't have an entire team of professionals working on your tired old carcass year round you just wake up one day and your foot is gangrenous and they need to amputate, and your liver is shot, and you're blind and your teeth have all fallen out, and then you die from kidney failure. My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades! Ahem.

So I still avoided the dentist for a couple years. This year I vowed to take better care of my health overall. Also, one of my back teeth cracked in half last month. I figure hey, they're probably not supposed to do that, are they? Whoops, time to go to the dentist. By this point I decided that if I was really happy at Perfect Smile, it was worth the damn one hour drive to go rather than deal with the anxiety of having to find a new, equally awesome dentist.

As it turns out, at no great surprise to me, cracked tooth=bad. It was a hair's breadth away from the nerve, so I was really lucky it didn't hurt like a bitch; possible root canal needed, definitely a crown. I also had two other cavities that needed fixing and some majorly swollen gums. Higher blood sugar levels from diabetes apparently leads to some KILLER gum disease. So they had lots of major work to do on me! I got some Super Valium to take before the appointment, and then they gave me more at the appointment, AND they gave me the happy gas, AND the radio headphones, so it was a pretty happy experience overall. Except now I have a temporary crown on the cracked tooth and I can't eat on that side of my mouth because it's really tender and keeps hurting when I chew and I'm taking lots of advil and wondering when it will STOP hurting. I get the permanent crown next Friday. I'm hoping that will be the end of my dental miseries for a while.

Taking better care of myself sucks. Or maybe it's diabeetus that sucks. Or maybe it's avoiding taking care of myself and then having to pay the piper when I finally give in and make the effort that sucks. Whatever; my mouth hurts and I'm grouchy.

Hey, let's end on a happy note! We got two new kitties last weekend! Here's a picture of Hannah stretching after one of her many naps.


(Sorry both my pictures are from my camera phone. I know they suck. I've become really lazy with my camera lately; that's another thing I need to work on this year.


Also, I probably should note that this is NOT a sponsored post or anything. That's probably obvious because I swore a lot and made jokes about prostitution. I just really love Perfect Smile and Dr. DeMars. AND the drugs they give me. I DO get a referral bonus if you go to them and say I sent you though. So you should do that.)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Walgreens Plan

I am sick like woah today; stuffy and full of drainage and my throat is so hoarse I can't speak above a whisper. Joy! So what am I doing? GOING SHOPPING AT WALGREENS! I need some medicine and I have a few prescriptions to pick up, so I figured I might as well drag my ailing carcass out and just get the Walgreens part of the week over with since I need to go anyway.

So here's my plan, after looking at various weekly deal matchups:

Things I need:

Neilmed Nasaflo Neti Pot solution packets - cost??
Peppermint mocha coffee mate - cost?? (but I have a $1 off coupon!)
Prescriptions - cost $60 (I THINK)
Dayquil - cost $8.99, get $2 Jingle Cash
Christmas lights - cost??, on sale BOGO 100 pack
file folders - cost ??
Edy's Ice Cream - on sale BOGO, I think the cost was $3.49

Deals I want:
Cortaid Cream .5oz free after rebate - cost 5.99 (I think)
Skippy peanut butter, 2 (on sale 2/3), coupon .75 - cost 2.25
V8 Fusion, 2/5 with in-ad coupon, man. coupon for $1 - cost 4.00
Crisco shortening sticks, $1.99 in-ad coupon, coupon for .50 - cost 1.49
Toll House morsels, in ad coupon 1.79, coupon 1.25 off 3 - cost 4.12
ziploc bags, 1.99 in ad coupon, coupon $1.00 off 2 - cost 2.98
revlon top speed nail color, $5 Jingle Cash - cost 5.99
Wisk 48 loads, $2 Jingle Cash, $1.00 coupon - cost ??
Nyquil, on sale $8.99, $1.50 off coupon plus buy 2 get free Puffs (buying Dayquil above) - cost 7.50
Welch's Sparkling Grape Juice - Wags coupon $1 off 2, Man. coupon $2 off 2 - cost ??
L'Oreal Lipgloss, on sale 2/$13.49, coupon $5.00 off 2, $4 off from Wags Dec coupon book - cost 4.49

And I have $11 in Jingle Cash to redeem.

So this trip should cost me $100 plus the cost of neti pot solution, coffeemate, christmas lights, file folders, Wisk, and sparkling grape juice. I'm going to guess, oh, a total of $130. If you don't count the prescriptions, that would be about $70. And I should get $9 back in Jingle Cash and $6 back from rebate.

Let's see how I do. I'll figure out the actual savings amounts on my follow-up post!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Scam Report On Chiro One, Part Two



Last Wednesday, my husband, mother and I reported dutifully back to Chiro One to be coerced into giving them all our money  get our health reports. In a group setting. Where we instructed to bring our spouses and a big fat check.

We were greeted enthusiastically again, and our names were up on the white board once more. We received name tags and were encouraged to make friends with the other folks that were waiting to receive THEIR health reports. We spent most of our time debating which Hall & Oates song is their best instead (it's Rich Girl. It's TOTALLY Rich Girl). Eventually everyone arrived and we were ushered into the main treatment area, where a small grouping of chairs were arranged in a semi-circle around a whiteboard with some writing on it. The doctor, the same one who had helped examine my mother and I on our previous visit, gave the 8 of us a presentation about spinal health and how we were going to die if we didn't receive chiropractic treatment for the rest of our life. Seriously. It took her about half an hour to go through the whole presentation, and it was very interactive (she called on us frequently, asked us lots of questions, and she kept calling my husband out on his snarky whispered comments to me), but this is what I took away from the presentation:

From this site.
1) spinal issues, called subluxations, compress our nerves, which are supposed to be carrying all the important messages from our brain to the rest of the areas of our body, and when these subluxations compromise the nerves, it can lead to dysfunctions in the body, which will cause diseases in us, and eventually will kill us. Or we'll kill ourselves, because subluxations can also cause us to be severely depressed.

2) Getting the proper chiropractic treatment, for the rest of our lives, will take us out of the cycle of "medications and surgery" that the rest of the health world wants us to be in, will fix the dysfunctions (which can take YEARS of treatment, if our backs are bad enough) and keep us healthy and happy.

3) Seeing other chiropractors will only mess up our backs further. This was illustrated by showing us xrays of a man who had been seeing a chiropractor on his own for 15 years before coming to Chiro One. I'm not sure how they GOT his 15 year old x rays, but they showed us what were supposedly his xrays before he started treatment with his previous chiropractor (bad), his xrays from near the end of his treatment with that chiro (worse), and his xrays when he came to Chiro One (so bad they needed to refer him for surgery, they couldn't even help this poor soul, his other chiropractor had worsened him so!).

you ever see the results of a neglected mouth?! THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
Call me a skeptic, but in my mind, they were just weaving the perfect setup to alarm and disarm us before taking us back into individual rooms and trying to sell us a huge treatment plan.

Toward the end of the presentation, my mom asked about genetics. Something like "do you really believe that subluxations cause ALL diseases and disorders in the body? What about genetic factors and predisposition to certain conditions?" To which the doctor replied that she DOES believe subluxations cause all of our bad medical stuff and that she doesn't believe genetics play a part in it at all. Because she had scoliosis and severe depression and some other things, and as soon as she started receiving regular chiropractic care at Chiro One, all of that was cured and she's a True Believer now. My mother mentioned Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and how, when she was diagnosed with cancer, she said something like "I don't understand how this could have happened, I've always lived such a healthy life." The doctor replied "was she getting chiropractic treatment? Because I would bet you that no, she was not."

DO YOU HEAR THAT, JACKIE O? IF YOU'D SEEN A CHIROPRACTOR REGULARLY, YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE DIED OF CANCER!

So. Make of that what you will. Obviously we're in the 'skeptic' category.

Shortly thereafter, they took us back into the private rooms to discuss our personal health details. A blond doctor took my mom back, and the same doctor who gave the presentation took OJ and I back into a room. She showed us our back xrays (both of us having some decent misalignments, of course) and noted that it would probably take several years to treat us. She showed us the treatment plan and paperwork she'd written up on us and said they wanted to start out seeing us three times a week for 3 months.

Here's the kicker. They want you to pay up front. That's the big sale. You have to COMMIT. Oh sure, if you decide you don't like the treatments or want to go somewhere else, they'll return a prorated amount to you, but they won't treat you unless you pay for a big block up front.

For the two of us, that meant $1800. $900 a piece ($25 copay each visit for 12 weeks times 2 people). And of course they had three easy payment options!

Oh, and the orthotics for our feet. Those weren't covered by our insurance. So add another $400 a piece to our cost, because we really SHOULD have orthotics, you know.

We thanked her and respectfully declined. We both believe in chiropractic care (though perhaps not quite to the somewhat fanatical level that these people profess to believe), but we don't believe in paying up front for 12 weeks of medical services at a place we might not even like, for treatments we might not even need.We'll go to my husband's previous chiro instead, where they do much the same stuff but in a private setting and don't charge you an arm and a leg or tell you you need to see them three times a week for the rest of FOREVER or you'll get cancer and DIE.

After we regrouped with my mom, she told us that her doctor wouldn't even TELL her the cost of the treatment plan for her until she agreed to commit to the recommended course of treatment! (Which was also three times a week for 12 weeks.) So she doesn't even know what they were going to try to charge her. They also tried to sell her orthotics, and when my mom told the doctor she already HAS a pair of orthotics from her podiatrist, the chiropractor told her "well, we want you to have the SOFT ones".

Needless to say, my mom didn't give Chiro One any of her hard-earned dollars either.

don't be fooled! "free" medical care is generally NOT.

My take? The word "scam" is relative; they ARE charging for a service and they do provide said service, and it may even have health benefits for you. But it's definitely a BUSINESS first, caring health company second. It's full of manipulative sales techniques and methods used to get you emotionally involved and committed. I would recommend that anyone considering chiropractic care steer clear of Chiro One and find a reputable local chiropractor in their area instead.

part one of this series:
Is Chiro One A Scam?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Is Chiro One A Scam?



Last Saturday, my mother and I spent the day in Tinley Park at a Rubber Stamp / Scrapbooking Expo that we enjoy going to each year. Held at the Holiday Inn Convention Center, it's not a huge show, but they usually have one or two nice things. This year, we were a bit surprised to see that it seemed to have been combined with a small Women's Expo. The first vendors we encountered upon arriving, instead of selling stamping and craft supplies, were offering bedsheets. Jewelry. Purses. Lotions. Coffee and tea (at THIRTY DOLLARS A BOX OMG, but that's a story for another time). And wellness services. Such as chiropractic care.

I have to admit, every time I see a vendor booth hawking medical care at a random expo that isn't, say, a health fair, I'm a little skeptical. Why do they need to try to draw people in? It just seems odd to me. At the same time, I'm also something of an Easy Mark because I am a believer. I believe chiro care works. I believe massages are good for your health. I'm curious. I've never actually BEEN to a chiropractor, but that's largely because I have so many things on my plate at any given time that it's overwhelming to add another. I've always wanted to go though, much the same as I'd love to be able to get a massage once a month; I have chronic pain, especially in my shoulders and arms, and it's gotten worse since I've been diagnosed with diabetes too. I also sometimes get nerve pains running down one of my thighs. I've long suspected I might do better with chiropractic care, but it just hasn't bothered me ENOUGH to take the time to make an appointment. Also, there's been a part of me that, for years, has told myself ALL these things will improve when I lose weight, and since I've been convinced I am going to drop the weight for years, I've put a lot of stuff off for "after I lose weight". But that's not helping me live well NOW, is it?

So when the lady from the Chiro One booth asked me if I'd like a free consultation, and the other lady offered to occupy my three year old daughter while I went through the questionnaire, I said sure. She had me fill out a "where do you have pain and what illnesses do you have" type form. While we were talking, my mom wandered over and started listening in. She's had chiropractic care before and felt that she received some benefit from it, and she has chronic pain too, and has been thinking about going to a chiropractor again. The lady went through a spiel about how chiropractic care could help relieve my pain and maybe even assist with my diabetes, and while I'm not sure that I entirely buy the belief that bad spinal alignment (or subluxations or whatever they call them) can CAUSE diseases like diabetes, or cancer, I've got just enough New Age Yo-Yo in me to believe that maybe having a perfectly aligned spine and uncompressed nerves might help with my overall picture of health. More accurately, I am of the "can't hurt, might help" mindset with regards to chiropractic care and diseases.

She offered us a full evaluation for $20, telling us we would get "over $400 worth of services". I'm not sure how much your average chiropractor charges for an initial exam and xrays, so I don't know if that statement is bunk or not. What I DO know is that I have a $25 copay for doctor visits, and that $20 is cheaper than $25, and since I'd been considering seeing a chiropractor anyway, it seemed like a good deal to me. My husband has also seen a chiropractor in the past, and benefited from it, so I called him to see if he was interested. He was, so the two of us (as well as my mother) booked initial evaluations for Monday afternoon, paid our fees, and continued to shop.

My mother and I went for our initial evaluations yesterday. We booked our appointments at the same time and went together (my husband was scheduled for two hours after us). The Chiro One office we went to is in Lansing, our hometown, in a strip mall on Torrence Avenue. When we walked in, our first impressions were that it was very BUSY and NOT very private. I've been to a lot of doctors in my time, and even if the waiting room is busy, it's usually got an air of comfort, of privacy, and there's generally a bit of a hush in the air, as if everyone is doing their very best to mind their own health business. Here, the place was very OPEN; just beyond the desk were a variety of strange chairs that leaned way back, and people were sitting in them, bent backwards, wearing weighted contraptions in their heads. There were several adjustment tables out in the open. There were three rows of chairs with strange wobbly seats upon them, and a number of people were sitting on them, rocking back and forth, staring straight ahead. Beyond this area were a couple of cubicle-type offices. A large whiteboard was behind the desk with our names, as well as several other names, listed, welcoming us as new patients and thanking the events / organizations that referred us. As first impressions go, it wasn't a great one.

The lady behind the front desk greeted us warmly and went over our initial evaluation health forms with us, chatting the whole time. She was very open and friendly and made us both feel a little more at ease. Shortly after she checked us in, another lady (a chiropractic assistant? I'm not sure what her role was) greeted us and gave us a little tour. She explained that all the treatments take place in an open setting, largely for educational purposes - if any one of the patients has a question or something, all the other people can benefit from it. The weird leaning chairs were to put curvature back into the neck. The funky butt-exercisers were to strengthen core muscles, because they believe that people who spend time strengthening their cores after their adjustments will hold those adjustments longer. That all sounded good to me, except for the part about HAVING the adjustments done publicly. I COULD do that, sure, but even though I'm not the world's most private person (come on, I share my life all over the internet in a million public blogs), I don't love the idea of having medical / health treatments done in public. Going to a chiropractor isn't quite the same as going to a gym, after all. And I wouldn't want acupuncture or anything else done in front of a bunch of lookie-loos either, not unless I'm getting paid or getting it for free, anyway.

She took scans of our feet (in the public area) and showed us how much pressure we're putting on the different parts of our feet when we're standing. Then she took us back into a private room and went over extensive questionnaires with us about pain we experience, past falls, car crashes, traumas, etc. Then she did some examinations of us as we stood and moved in various postures. After that, she left for a bit and the actual chiropractor came in. She was also very nice, warm and friendly; asked us some more questions, had us lay on a table and palpated our spines, had us stand and examined our postures. She recommended a variety of xrays for us (two more views for me than my mom got), and a different tech came in a few moments later and took us to another room to take our xrays.

We made appointments to come back on Wednesday to get the results of our exams. They asked us to bring our spouses with so they could 'fully understand' what we were going through. My spouse was coming for a checkup after so I just scheduled him to come back for his results at the same time. My mom snorted and noted that my dad could care less, and besides, who would watch our kids if he came too? We were told that we would all be coming back at the same time and that it would take 90 minutes to receive our results; the first 30 minutes or so would be the doctor talking to us about diseases that are caused by subluxations and how chiro care could benefit us, as well as showing us pictures of normal VS abnormal spines so we would better understand our results. Then we would receive private consultations where the doctor would go over our personal results, and would receive recommendations for treatments.

We asked several times about payments and whether or not insurance would cover the treatments. We were told it would, and that they would discuss what insurance would cover and what our portion would be as part of our results. They then all mentioned 'payment plans' several times. My mother and I both have copays for visits so we weren't exactly comfortable with this, but we're hoping it's a generic thing they tell everyone until they've verified insurance for each individual.

Afterwards, we discussed our feelings on the whole thing. Overall, we were impressed at how thorough they were, how friendly and open everyone was, and had a good feeling about the people. And, personally, I liked all their chair contraptions and such. I just like that kind of stuff. I asked my mom if her past chiropractor had all those things, and she said no, she just had adjustments done and that was it. I asked my husband later if he'd done that stuff at HIS chiro, and he said he'd done core-strengthening and therapy-type exercises. I know I'd like to try some of those things, and I'd like a chiropractor that offers such exercises. We believe we would benefit from chiropractic care.

The cons are, none of us are particularly crazy about the open-care concept. We all agree we COULD do it, and would be willing to give it a try if it doesn't end up being some sort of scam, but we don't really like it very much. As my mom pointed out, it feels kind of like a farm; they're a chain, and they're trying to be efficient and process the most people and make the most money. Plain and simple. That's how it comes across, I don't care WHAT they say about educating patients. It also feels very much to me like I'm being set up to be SOLD something. There's plenty of classic signs. I've been to timeshare presentations and vacation-property sales before, and it FEELS the same. They offer you something of benefit to you for free or for super-cheap. They get you to come see them once or twice. You spend time with them. You get INVESTED in the process. It's harder to say NO once they've used up so much of your time. There are scare tactics involved. (Bad spines cause DISEASES and you could DIE if you don't see a chiropractor!) They put you in a group setting, where you feel pressure NOT to say NO. It's all classic setup. I don't love it at all.

I googled "Chiro One" and the first thing Google tried to populate my search with was "Chiro One Scam". That didn't bode well. but the only article I actually SAW on them on the first page was this one from the Chicago Tribune,  talking about their ideolody. The 'scam' discussion starts in the comments, with a lot of people complaining about it. Sounds like there IS going to be a sales pitch after we get our results, and I'm curious to see what they ask us to pay. Knowing I have insurance and knowing what my insurance covers, I really wonder if they're going to ask us to commit to a certain number of visits or pay a certain amount up front. because if so, well, EFF THAT. There are also several people weighing in who have used them and have been very happy. Like anything in life, your mileage will vary.

Luckily we're broke, and my mom and husband are both MUCH better at saying NO than I am, so I'm not worried. I know I'm going to get chiropractic care because I really DO think I'll benefit from it. I'm just not sure if we'll end up going with Chiro One or not.

Has anyone else been to Chiro One? What was your experience?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Being Thankful



It's time to fess up here and admit that I have another blog. Well, I have several other blogs actually, but the one in particular that I'm fessing up about right now is a livejournal account that I've had since 2001. It's primarily friends-only and at this point it's staying that way; I have cultivated a really great friends group over the years and it's become a great place for me to share a lot of my more personal details, my raw thoughts and emotions, and a lot more angst than I'm willing to share in this more public arena. I'll share a LOT here, but sometimes things are just too private for the entire world (yes, even for me, heh).

So yesterday morning I was feeling a little down and panicky for no good reason, and almost posted a real downer Facebook status (because one of the best ways for me to exorcise my mental and emotional demons is to WRITE THEM OUT and then I can move on)... but in a rare display of discretion, I decided Facebook was not the place for it. So I went to my trusty Livejournal and I posted "I'm really afraid I'm going to die before I am able to turn my life into the life I want to be living. And I just don't think that's appropriate as a facebook status so I'm posting it here instead. I guess I should probably talk about that in therapy tonight."

And in response, I got some really good thoughts, advice, and kicks in the butt from my awesome friends. Things like:

"I think most of us spend most of our lives trying to live the life we think we want. I try to focus on what's good now. Otherwise I would go crazy. When I do that, I realize I have it pretty good. Doesn't stop me from wanting to move home or wanting a professor job or criticizing my husband or generally wishing for more, but it helps."

"You can't do that & stay sane, I don't care how much therapy you go to. Live in the moment. Appreciate the eensy bittle things. Just LIVE every moment."

"Two of the quotes I have on my Facebook page:
"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life." ~ Omar Khayyam
"To dream of a person you would like to be is to waste the person you are" ~ Unknown
I really try to live those quotes each and every day."


I really appreciate the encouragement everyone gave me yesterday about that post. I needed a little kick in the butt. It's hard sometimes to be thankful for what you have, and I guess sometimes I blur the lines between appreciating the life I have NOW (which is a pretty good life, most days) and the goals I want to achieve. Sometimes I get so hungry for those goals that I lose sight of the present and I despair pretty quickly. The therapy is more for THAT... not for making me happy with who I am, because really most of the time I AM - but for trying to deal with this intense need for instant gratification and the fact that I have trouble setting limits in my life. I don't know if it's the therapy, or the blogging, or ten years of ruminating and working towards it, but I finally feel like a lot of pieces are coming together in my life and I really do feel like I'm making a lot of progress on at least one of the issues that has plagued me for so long. (My clutter issues.) And I do feel confident that, once I get that under control, I can deal with roadblock two (my weight) and roadblock three (my finances). I feel more confident than ever that it really WILL all come together, finally. I still have times though where I get really impatient about it, or times when I get scared... especially in terms of my health. I believe I've mentioned it here before, but in case I haven't, I have Type II diabetes. I was diagnosed almost two years ago. It is VITAL that I lose weight and exercise more and eat better to get healthier, and I really feel like my house clutter is tied into some of that (letting things go is as hard for me as letting pounds go, and preparing healthy foods is impossible for me when my kitchen is a mess), and I do feel like I can't tackle my weight and health issues without getting the house in order first. I work on both to a small extent, but I know from past experience that if my house isn't in order, I just plain won't be able to work past that and take better care of myself. I don't know WHY that is; I just know that it is. So I'm working on it. But then something will happen, even if it's not something big; I'll have a day where I feel lousy, or I have this phantom arm pain that we haven't been able to figure out yet (the doctor thinks it's a stress/muscle issue but I really think it's tied into my blood sugar because it happens most often when my eating habits for the day SUCK), and I get freaked out about my diabetes and my health and the damage this could do to my body and the fact that I'm only 31 and I don't want to leave my family mother/wifeless and the fact that I'd really like to have another baby in a couple years but that cannot happen with the state of everything right now, but most especially with the state of my HEALTH (I will not subject my body to that stress in the state it's in now, I just won't, nor would it be safe for the baby), and then I get hung up on dying young and that's when I REALLY start to feel like everything is taking WAY too long to accomplish and I start to despair.

So I need to remind myself... baby steps. The baby steps I've taken have gotten me pretty far, and get me a little farther every day, and a little closer to my goals. I have to keep doing my best, and have faith that the universe and the powers that be will guide me to my goals, and not kill me off too soon (I hope!). None of us get any guarantees in life and we just have to do the best we can with what we have. I've certainly made mistakes in the past; we all have. I'm doing my best to recover from some of those mistakes, and most days now I feel like I'm doing a good job, and doing my best. Most days are good days.

There's an exercise on Facebook right now to post a new status every day from now until Thanksgiving about what you are thankful for. It starts out easy, but I'm sure it'll get harder as the days go on. It can be really hard to focus on everything we have to be thankful for. I'm taking the challenge because it's definitely something I need to do.

I'd like to invite everyone here to take some time to tell me what you have to be thankful for right now. We could all use some positivity in our lives, and a little bit of perspective; seeing what everyone has to be thankful for would be a great place to start.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

So basically I live in a constant state of anxiety no matter what.

I haven't gotten very far in tackling two of my roadblocks at once yet. Indeed, whenever I think about starting to work an exercise / healthy meal plan into my life, I start to feel anxious. I am still fighting the clutter monster in my home quite fiercely, and it fills me with anxiety that I will not ever finish this particular project (as has happened in the past) if I start trying to work another project in.
On the other hand, I'm also very anxious about the fact that I'm only focusing on one project, a project that is taking much longer to complete than I had planned, and it is really bothering me that I'm not working on my weight / health issue.

I've also noticed that on days when I work, I get virtually nothing done at home. I just feel too tired. I suspect this is because I sit on my butt all day at the office and sort of fall into a no-energy stupor. I use my brain but not to a terribly challenging level (yet; there are some fun-sounding projects on the near horizon), and by the end of the day I just feel tired and mushy. If I worked more movement and challenge into my days, and if I was eating better-quality foods (or eating at all; sometimes I don't even feel motivated to go eat lunch at work...and that's not so good, especially for a diabetic), then I think I'd be more UP and motivated when I get home.

So all in all, I still think that it makes logical sense to start working on my Fat Breakup...but emotionally, I'm not quite there. I need to push past that.

Today I'm just cleaning, cleaning, cleaning for the next couple hours...then it's a shower and a birthday party (at my place!) for one of my friends. The downstairs is still a mess of boxes and detritus, though it's not nearly as bad as before. However, there's still a LOT to sort through. I'm just going to do whatever I can and we'll party around the rest. It's not like my friends haven't seen my house the way it was before, and they all know about my projects, so I'm not stressing about it. They come to see me, not my mess.
Would I love to have a totally clean house to show off? Sure. And that will come with time. But I'm already proud of everything I've managed to accomplish. Just showing off the closet full of garage sale boxes is a giant accomplishment!

Back to work!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm about to directly contradict a very important part of my last post. I'm about to tell you about my new daily exercise plan and how I'm starting it up even though I'm still working on Roadblock 1: Declutter The House.

Yes, I realize this goes against my statement of 'finish one project before moving on to project two'. I gave this a lot of thought before I decided to do it though, and I think it's important.

Project 2, or Roadblock 2 (however you want to look at it), is to lose weight and gain health. This is another area I've struggled for years, and as time goes on it becomes more and more important to me to FIX this problem once and for all. I'm now a Type II diabetic. I'm tired all the time. I have aches and pains that a thirty-year-old shouldn't have. I can't keep up with my kids. I get sick incredibly easily (did I mention I'm sick NOW? And that I've had more colds this year already than I usually have in an ENTIRE year?). That's just the tip of the iceberg, really. But it's all important.

I am not throwing myself full-force into project 2, but I did decide that I can start doing 20 minutes of exercise a day in preparation for project 2. Since Project 1 is taking me a LOT longer than I expected it to, I need to make some modifications to my plan.

So that's my justification. It's a start, a boost, to keep me on the path to health at least a LITTLE while I work on Project 1. I'm building habits, and increasing my core strength.

Speaking of core strength...I have virtually none! But I'll get to that momentarily.

I don't exercise regularly. I have good intentions, don't get me wrong, but I start and stop the exercise train a LOT. I am approximately 80 pounds overweight and I am REALLY out of shape. Last year I started walk-running, and I entered the Shamrock Shuffle, which is a local 8K race (that's almost 5 miles!) that kicks off running season, and I ran it and COMPLETED it. I was incredibly proud of myself.
Then I didn't run, or walk-run, or even walk after that. I didn't set further training goals and I just dropped it.
So this year, when I signed up again, I started training early. I got off to a good start. Then I got sick. A lot. And had several weeks of blood-sugar issues. And breathing issues. And I wasn't able to do it. And I was really disappointed. And also, really SHOCKED at the difference in my overall health and fitness level in only a YEAR.

So I've set my sights on walking, and building my endurance that way.
I also have a friend on another forum (a friend who is in a MUCH better state of fitness than I!) who does these Crossfit workouts. She speaks very highly of them. Also, I am incredibly impressed at the videos and photos I see of non-athletes doing headstands and handstands and funky ring maneuvers and all sorts of crazy things that I've always dreamed of doing but have never thought I COULD do. I've been doing some reading on Crossfit and it's pretty crazy stuff. I'm sure I'll talk about it a lot more as Project 2 gets underway, but for now I've come to realize this: the Crossfitters do a lot of things that I cannot do, at this point. I don't even know what some of the exercises in their daily workouts ARE, let alone know if I could do them. (Luckily the main crossfit website has a WEALTH of resources!) So I'm spending some time studying up on crossfit while I work on stregnthening my core and getting used to doing some of their primary exercises.

One of the articles I read was about a man who went to (his first) Crossfit session with his wife. They did a 20 minute cycle of exercises: 20 situps, 20 pushups, 20 squats. You did those in one minute. If you finished before the minute was up, you could rest. If not, you jumped right in and repeated at minute two. Every minute, 20 of each, for 20 minutes.
Sounds pretty intense, right? Well, it's also exercises I KNOW, and that I could work up to. So that's where I'm starting.
Except I'm starting with one of each per minute for twenty minutes. And when I can do that, I'll do 2 of each for twenty minutes. Then 3 of each for twenty minutes, and so on.

I also want to include stretching and flexibility into my fitness routine, and to that end I'm incorporating yoga. I'm hoping this will also help me reduce stress a little, which is important to my health (and to my family, so I don't take my stress out on them!)

So, 20 minutes of exercise each day. One day walking, one day crossfit (or PRE-crossfit, really), one day yoga.

Yesterday was my first day of pre-crossfit. One situp, one pushup, one squat per minute. Should have been easy, right?
This is where my delusions about my level of fitness come into play. I COULDN'T EVEN DO A SITUP. I knew my abs were bad, but I didn't realize they were THAT bad. I struggled through for six minutes before giving up. And I'm actually SORE today. I never did a proper situp (I did that fat, unfit person flailing situp; you know the one, where your arms and legs kick and grab at the air as you desperately try to get yourself upright without using the floor). I never did a proper pushup (I did modified pushups, with bended knees). My squats, at least, were fine.
And I am SORE today! Not very sore, but I can feel it, and I'm surprised.

Part of me feels like a failure for not being able to keep up with even day one of my pre-crossfit training. I couldn't even go for 20 minutes! Even if I remind myself that I'm sick and I was exhausted, I'm still bummed about it.
But I keep telling myself that I DID it. I almost did the "eh, I'll do it tomorrow" thing, but I didn't let myself. I got down on that floor and I did it. That's somethign to be proud of.
ANd one day I will look back and see how far I've come.

Friday, April 10, 2009

what's the definition of insanity again?

I am that scatterbrained mom who tries SO HARD to be organized, and yet I still fail. Not all the time...I would say I do a fair job of keeping things under control, but it's a huge amount of effort for me. I write lists of routines that I constantly have to revamp because they're overambitious. So I write a new one and basically just change the order of things, but I have difficulty paring back, so the routines REMAIN overambitious...just in a different order. I maintain multiple calendars and try to keep them with me at all times. I make grand plans that hardly ever come to fruition because I try to do too many things at once. I have REALLY GREAT ideas (no, trust me, they're FABULOUS) all the time, but hardly ever manage to act on them because I never manage to make the time, or plan the steps I need to take; if they go anywhere at all, it's on scraps of paper with a basic outline, and then I lose those scraps in the mountains of paper that live in my house.

Today I failed on a small scale. I took my son to Playskool. The problem with that is IT'S GOOD FRIDAY. There IS no Playskool today. So I got there and the parking lot is empty; at that moment the lightbulb went on. Normally I'd just feel a little silly, except that my son loves Playskool, so instead I felt terrible because he was incredibly disappointed. It's also his turn next for Show And Tell, so naturally he was extra excited. "Can't we just make them have Playskool Mommy? PLEASE?"

The glorious thing about Playskool is that it's right across the street from a big park, so even though it's 40 degrees and cloudy and incredibly windy, I took them to the park for half an hour to make up for it. And the glorious thing about kids is they easily forgive and forget.

But me? I'm left feeling like I dropped the ball again. Of the many balls I juggle, this is a small one, true; nevertheless, I live with a constant underlying sense of frustration at the lack of order in my life. I don't know how to get to 'organized'. I think there's a roadblock on that path for me. I haven't figured out how to bust through it yet. I watch shows like Clean House and wish they would come over, or I wish I could take a week's vacation from my job and my kids and my dogs (maybe just during working hours, not necessarily overnights) and get everything in my house decluttered and in order. Maybe if I could achieve it in my house, I could achieve it in my brain and then in my actions.

But that's how I feel about weight loss too...if I could just get to my goal weight, everything would be magically fixed, right?

The picture of me and my life I hold in my head is often drastically different from my reality. I KNOW this and yet I still try to make everything fit the picture far too often.

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