Gather Up Your Tears; Keep 'Em In Your Pocket. Save Them For A Time When You're Really Going To Need Them.

Today was a hard day, for a number of reasons. Health troubles, business troubles, life troubles, anxiety... overall just a downer. I'm medicating with music. A friend suggested wine, but wine (in addition to wreaking havoc on my already unstable blood sugar) has been bringing me migraines lately, and I just got rid of a near-24-hour one, so I don't feel like tempting that fate again.


Sometimes when I'm down I'll listen to energizing music to cheer me up... and then sometimes, it's really comforting to listen to beautiful, melancholy songs. That may seem odd, that indulging in sadness would be healing, and yet it is. It hearkens back to one of my favorite articles, "Why Lying Broken In A Pile On Your Floor Is A Good Idea".


"All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."


So I'm indulging in my sadness tonight; in the parts of me that are broken right now, because it's time to become something new. It's scary and it's hard but if I don't do it the crocodiles are going to eat me, so I'm rending myself into little pieces, to be unlimited.





This song is beautiful; it just breaks my heart every time I hear it. The melancholy and, at the same time, the wisdom it portrays fill me with both sadness and hope. I have a dear friend who died young some ten years ago and of course I think of her every time I hear it. But then I think of everyone I've lost, and everyone dear to me who has lost loved ones; for it seems as if 'young' is really relative, and it always seems like our loved ones are snatched away too soon. Gone and yet I believe they are still with us, in one way or another.
'Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother'
'the sharp knife of a short life'
'I've had just enough time'
'I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger'
'what I never did is done'
'funny when you're dead, how people start listening'

 

 Pink Floyd has some amazing songs, especially when it comes to melancholy. This is one of my favorites; it captures the melancholy perfectly but also ends with hope, with a heartfelt beseechingness to act, to keep going, to feel.
'No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside'

 

 I'm not necessarily searching for a spiritual answer right now, but I frequently feel lost and alone these days. I feel myself reaching out for someone, anyone, to show me the way; to give me the strength and the courage to believe that I'll get there someday. One step at a time. One meal at a time; one workout at a time; one blood test at a time. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

 

Yes I *am* a huge nerd, why do you ask? I like Enya and I LOVE Lord Of The Rings. The movies are pretty much perfect. And if you're looking for a melancholy story of epic struggle, you certainly don't need to look any further. As a matter of fact I'm tempted to go and watch them right now but that'll be like 16 hours and I'll NEVER sleep.
'believe and you will find your way'

 

I'm going to end with one of the most heart-rending songs out there... and I'm choosing to listen to Susan Boyle's audition version because while the song is beautifully depressing, this version at least ends with a lovely lady seeing her dream fulfilled. Godspeed Susan, and Godspeed to me as well. May all our dreams have significantly better outcomes than poor Fantine's.

Re-Inventing Myself

I go for long periods of time not blogging these days. I'm struggling with my anxiety monsters a lot, and my diabetes is raging out of control. There are a lot of changes on the horizon for me and that's never easy. And as always, I struggle with a lot of the same issues every day. Major clutter. Weight issues. Trouble with food. Trouble with managing my life in general.


Sometimes I get so down in the dumps about it all that the only thing I think I can do is re-invent myself. I'll start a new blog somewhere, writing about my life! I'll get it all together THIS TIME, and I'll keep it anonymous until I have it all together, then I'll re-emerge like a glorious phoenix out of the ashes of my current miserable, decrepit existence!

This time the 'new' blog was going to be called "Small House, Big Life" and was going to be all about my BIG struggles and BIG dreams locked away in a tiny space, fighting to get free. That doesn't sound familiar at all, does it?? And I might have even started it too if someone hadn't already claimed the name on blogger.

As I was sitting there staring at my Google search results and thinking of similar alternate names for the 'new me', I realized that my OLD blog is still me too. That just because a bunch of people know about this blog, doesn't make me any less able to make the changes I want. It doesn't mean I will, and it doesn't mean I won't. That's up to me. It's NOT up to whether I blog about it or not. And if I blog about it and people read it and it takes a long time to happen, it doesn't make me a failure. As long as I persevere I will get there eventually.

Sometimes I just get so ashamed of everyone watching me go in circles again and again.

But like the old adage says, 'wherever you go, there you are'. Hiding in a different corner of the internet won't make me change any faster.

And as long as I keep trying and keep fighting, I shouldn't be ashamed.

Moving On

Christmas vacation is over! The kids are back in school today. I enjoyed having them home with me the last two weeks and I am kind of sad. Everyone's adjusting back to going to bed early and waking up early. Somewhat reluctantly, on all our parts, I might add.

Things are coming along in all the other areas of life. Financial Peace University starts tomorrow. I picked up our kit yesterday and I'm really looking forward to it. We have something of a working budget hammered out for now. We're so far behind on the house that for now we've decided we're not paying the mortgage. We are in communications with the mortgage company and have tried several angles to get assistance, to no avail. Right now what we will probably do is wait until they start foreclosure proceedings and then see if we can turn it into a short sale. That will, hopefully, buy us the time we'll need to get everything together to move somewhere else.

"Somewhere else" is looking like it'll probably be North Carolina. I'm open to it and OJ is really interested. We love Boone but employment opportunities are slim... so it'll probably be either Raleigh or Charlotte. He has friends in both cities, and I have a cousin in Raleigh.

On our radar is also Austin, Texas. We have friends there, and OJ's brother lives there. Neither of us have ever been though, and OJ is really not keen on how hot it gets (whereas I LOVE it!).

(And of course, lest we forget, we're probably going to spend about a year in Park City, Utah after I win my beloved HGTV Dream Home.)

It is our hope to visit all of the places on our list sometime this year so we can truly decide on our favorite and start looking for work. And of course, despite which one ends up being the 'favorite', it'll really depend on jobs. OJ's going to try to get a job and stay with friends while he finds us a place to live, I think. We'll just have to see how it all plays out.

I'm still working on the house. Getting lots of stuff purged. Which reminds me, I have a trunk full of stuff I need to bring to Kara, the lady that sells my stuff on ebay. She does an awesome job! She has an ebay store and does online consignment for several people, so she always has a nice variety of merchandise. If anyone is in need of stuff, and wants to help out me, or her, or any of the rest of us local moms that need money, you can find her store here: The Sweet Buy And Buy.

I've also started working on my health a bit more. I had stopped taking everything but the absolute necessary medications while I was having all my stomach trouble last year, and while that hasn't completely cleared up (the endoscopy showed nothing but some inflammation, biopsies of which gave us no information), we're chalking it up to stress/anxiety pain and acid reflux. So I'm easing my way back into my other medicines and vitamins, starting with my metformin, which is causing a little bit of stomach upset but is also bringing my blood sugar down to more acceptable levels, so yay. I'll do most of my health and weight loss blogging over at my blog, The Big Fat Breakup, if anyone wants to follow along.

one of my favorite recent pins. Are you on Pinterest yet? Follow me!

IUD-Day

Had my IUD removed yesterday. My five years were up and it was time. You all know I've been wanting another baby anyway... I'm still in the "yay babies!" boat. OJ is in the "baby in a year or two" boat. I'm putting him in charge of birth control for now.

Is this an ideal time to have a baby? HELL NO. Are there things I want to do to improve our lives before we have a baby? ABSOLUTELY. All the same, would I be thrilled if I got pregnant? You know it!
Life's funny that way. Things tend to work themselves out as they should.

We're working on our finances. Financial Peace University starts next week. We have hard decisions and even harder work ahead of us.

I'm continuing to get the house in order. Purging even more than before since it looks like we'll be moving in the next 6 months - 1.5 years. However we decide is best to approach the house issue, we're going to try to stay here as long as we can to get into the best financial position possible for moving somewhere. Right now we're leaning towards waiting until foreclosure starts and then seeing if we can get into a short sale. We need more information overall though before we really decide.

My health needs work. I need to eat better foods, have lower blood sugar, and exercise more. I should also work on some meditation / stress relief exercises to help with the anxiety. If I get pregnant I won't be able to take my anxiety medications so that's something I'll really need to work on.

Those three things remain my biggest priorities right now.

Financial Peace

I've always been a fan of Dave Ramsey, but I've never really put effort into following his ideas... or much of any ideas about finances, really. I'd dabble in fixing our finances but never really committed for more than a short while. Good intentions, bad follow-through. After reading about a friend's experience with Dave's Financial Peace University (and her recent encouragement to check out one of the local FPU classes that will be starting soon), I convinced OJ that we should take the class. It's $100, not very much to spend on one's financial future. I think taking it together, spending dedicated time for 12 weeks talking about our finances and ways to make things better, working together and finally building a solid partnered financial foundation in our marriage, is a good idea.

OJ is skeptical about the fact that it is a Christian-based program and that it is held at a church. He's become very atheist over the past year or two. I told him there was no way I was entertaining the idea of moving to the Bible Belt (North Carolina) with him if he wouldn't even take a class because it was held at a church. I'm sure we can filter out any God messages and apply them in our own spiritual / ethical / moral way. He also doesn't love the idea of paying someone (AKA making THEM rich) to give us 'financial peace', but I maintain that people's time and efforts are worth paying for if we learn something / get value from it. AND, as I said, $100 is not that much for two people to invest in a 12-week class.

I don't know which class we will be taking yet; I have sent an email to the most likely one with some questions. Hopefully we'll be able to start soon.

I wonder if there's a way to take these methods and convert them in such a way that they could be applicable to weight loss and clutter management. I could become the next guru of fixing up your life!

So basically I live in a constant state of anxiety no matter what.

I haven't gotten very far in tackling two of my roadblocks at once yet. Indeed, whenever I think about starting to work an exercise / healthy meal plan into my life, I start to feel anxious. I am still fighting the clutter monster in my home quite fiercely, and it fills me with anxiety that I will not ever finish this particular project (as has happened in the past) if I start trying to work another project in.
On the other hand, I'm also very anxious about the fact that I'm only focusing on one project, a project that is taking much longer to complete than I had planned, and it is really bothering me that I'm not working on my weight / health issue.

I've also noticed that on days when I work, I get virtually nothing done at home. I just feel too tired. I suspect this is because I sit on my butt all day at the office and sort of fall into a no-energy stupor. I use my brain but not to a terribly challenging level (yet; there are some fun-sounding projects on the near horizon), and by the end of the day I just feel tired and mushy. If I worked more movement and challenge into my days, and if I was eating better-quality foods (or eating at all; sometimes I don't even feel motivated to go eat lunch at work...and that's not so good, especially for a diabetic), then I think I'd be more UP and motivated when I get home.

So all in all, I still think that it makes logical sense to start working on my Fat Breakup...but emotionally, I'm not quite there. I need to push past that.

Today I'm just cleaning, cleaning, cleaning for the next couple hours...then it's a shower and a birthday party (at my place!) for one of my friends. The downstairs is still a mess of boxes and detritus, though it's not nearly as bad as before. However, there's still a LOT to sort through. I'm just going to do whatever I can and we'll party around the rest. It's not like my friends haven't seen my house the way it was before, and they all know about my projects, so I'm not stressing about it. They come to see me, not my mess.
Would I love to have a totally clean house to show off? Sure. And that will come with time. But I'm already proud of everything I've managed to accomplish. Just showing off the closet full of garage sale boxes is a giant accomplishment!

Back to work!

the weight is over

I still have a long, hard road ahead of me in the decluttering department (Roadblock 1). The more I get done around here, the more I realize how very serious my hoarding issue was, and how much more work I still have ahead of me. I've been shoving boxes of STUFF in the laundry room and the garage for YEARS, people. I can't estimate on the laundry room side exactly how much is there, but it's more than was in the downstairs closet. And the garage? One half (of a TWO CAR garage) is PACKED to the gills.

Yeah, it's quite a project.

I'm not giving up, but I have decided I'm ready to try easing a second project in while I work on this one. Of course, easing a second project in is also like opening floodgates; all the other projects want to come rushing in and demand my attention. Fighting the urge to address them all is a legendary battle. But I think, I THINK, I have beaten them all back for now, and let through only one more. Roadblock 2: The Battle of the Bulge.

That's right, I'm ready to attack my weight issue.

Please wish me luck as I try to figure out how to focus on two, and only two, projects for a little while. And expect lots of updates.

I'm about to directly contradict a very important part of my last post. I'm about to tell you about my new daily exercise plan and how I'm starting it up even though I'm still working on Roadblock 1: Declutter The House.

Yes, I realize this goes against my statement of 'finish one project before moving on to project two'. I gave this a lot of thought before I decided to do it though, and I think it's important.

Project 2, or Roadblock 2 (however you want to look at it), is to lose weight and gain health. This is another area I've struggled for years, and as time goes on it becomes more and more important to me to FIX this problem once and for all. I'm now a Type II diabetic. I'm tired all the time. I have aches and pains that a thirty-year-old shouldn't have. I can't keep up with my kids. I get sick incredibly easily (did I mention I'm sick NOW? And that I've had more colds this year already than I usually have in an ENTIRE year?). That's just the tip of the iceberg, really. But it's all important.

I am not throwing myself full-force into project 2, but I did decide that I can start doing 20 minutes of exercise a day in preparation for project 2. Since Project 1 is taking me a LOT longer than I expected it to, I need to make some modifications to my plan.

So that's my justification. It's a start, a boost, to keep me on the path to health at least a LITTLE while I work on Project 1. I'm building habits, and increasing my core strength.

Speaking of core strength...I have virtually none! But I'll get to that momentarily.

I don't exercise regularly. I have good intentions, don't get me wrong, but I start and stop the exercise train a LOT. I am approximately 80 pounds overweight and I am REALLY out of shape. Last year I started walk-running, and I entered the Shamrock Shuffle, which is a local 8K race (that's almost 5 miles!) that kicks off running season, and I ran it and COMPLETED it. I was incredibly proud of myself.
Then I didn't run, or walk-run, or even walk after that. I didn't set further training goals and I just dropped it.
So this year, when I signed up again, I started training early. I got off to a good start. Then I got sick. A lot. And had several weeks of blood-sugar issues. And breathing issues. And I wasn't able to do it. And I was really disappointed. And also, really SHOCKED at the difference in my overall health and fitness level in only a YEAR.

So I've set my sights on walking, and building my endurance that way.
I also have a friend on another forum (a friend who is in a MUCH better state of fitness than I!) who does these Crossfit workouts. She speaks very highly of them. Also, I am incredibly impressed at the videos and photos I see of non-athletes doing headstands and handstands and funky ring maneuvers and all sorts of crazy things that I've always dreamed of doing but have never thought I COULD do. I've been doing some reading on Crossfit and it's pretty crazy stuff. I'm sure I'll talk about it a lot more as Project 2 gets underway, but for now I've come to realize this: the Crossfitters do a lot of things that I cannot do, at this point. I don't even know what some of the exercises in their daily workouts ARE, let alone know if I could do them. (Luckily the main crossfit website has a WEALTH of resources!) So I'm spending some time studying up on crossfit while I work on stregnthening my core and getting used to doing some of their primary exercises.

One of the articles I read was about a man who went to (his first) Crossfit session with his wife. They did a 20 minute cycle of exercises: 20 situps, 20 pushups, 20 squats. You did those in one minute. If you finished before the minute was up, you could rest. If not, you jumped right in and repeated at minute two. Every minute, 20 of each, for 20 minutes.
Sounds pretty intense, right? Well, it's also exercises I KNOW, and that I could work up to. So that's where I'm starting.
Except I'm starting with one of each per minute for twenty minutes. And when I can do that, I'll do 2 of each for twenty minutes. Then 3 of each for twenty minutes, and so on.

I also want to include stretching and flexibility into my fitness routine, and to that end I'm incorporating yoga. I'm hoping this will also help me reduce stress a little, which is important to my health (and to my family, so I don't take my stress out on them!)

So, 20 minutes of exercise each day. One day walking, one day crossfit (or PRE-crossfit, really), one day yoga.

Yesterday was my first day of pre-crossfit. One situp, one pushup, one squat per minute. Should have been easy, right?
This is where my delusions about my level of fitness come into play. I COULDN'T EVEN DO A SITUP. I knew my abs were bad, but I didn't realize they were THAT bad. I struggled through for six minutes before giving up. And I'm actually SORE today. I never did a proper situp (I did that fat, unfit person flailing situp; you know the one, where your arms and legs kick and grab at the air as you desperately try to get yourself upright without using the floor). I never did a proper pushup (I did modified pushups, with bended knees). My squats, at least, were fine.
And I am SORE today! Not very sore, but I can feel it, and I'm surprised.

Part of me feels like a failure for not being able to keep up with even day one of my pre-crossfit training. I couldn't even go for 20 minutes! Even if I remind myself that I'm sick and I was exhausted, I'm still bummed about it.
But I keep telling myself that I DID it. I almost did the "eh, I'll do it tomorrow" thing, but I didn't let myself. I got down on that floor and I did it. That's somethign to be proud of.
ANd one day I will look back and see how far I've come.